Last Thursday, my sister and I spent three and a half hours shopping for a Mothers Day gift for our much-deserving mom. The final product entailed a new purse – not too large for her five-foot frame, but not as small as those she usually carries. Inside, we filled every pocket and crevice with “a few of her favorite things,” from a handy Sephora eye makeup kit to a piece of costume jewelry to cooking gadgets for the ever-growing stash in her kitchen’s drawers.
One of the gifts stowed amidst the bag’s inner folds was a photograph of we two daughters. We’re a bit notorious for taking family photos on our excessive outings and then allowing them to disappear into the annals of iPhoto and two gigabyte memory cards. Like most in our generation, we rarely have photos that can be held in our hands.
We knew a picture or two needed to be included in Mom’s gift. I mean, she only begs us for a print once every single week. So after much debate, a lot of vetoing, and a shaky agreement on one, my sister promised to send the winner to Duane Reade for printing.
Two days later, as we were assembling our goodie bag, I saw not one, but four photos in an envelope. The one on top happened to be my least favorite of those we had discussed.
My sister’s justification? We should let Mom choose which one she likes. She was right, of course, but in the moment…I was annoyed. I actually became quite angry. Why did she completely ignore our previous decision? She knew I hated that photo on top. She liked the way she looked in it, but I didn’t like how I appeared. Why did she have to print it? Why did she have to make it real?
rational thought seems well-complemented by the simplest of foods. broiled salmon, steamed asparagus, a fresh artichoke, and this yumminess.
I try to walk away when I’m irritated about things, and as I did so, I forced my mental seething to take a halt.
Let’s back up a second, Leslie. It’s a photograph. A picture. Why so angry?
Obviously, I was criticizing my body. Beyond that, though, I was allowing that self-criticism to spiral into anger, and I was letting myself take that anger out on someone else.
So I stopped. I took a step back, and I thought about the photograph.
In the picture, I am smiling. I really liked my outfit, with its lace tights, cinched black dress, and flat boots. My sister and I are in the kitchen of our then brand-new apartment, about to enjoy a potluck dinner, wine glasses on the counter behind us. We are happy.
For so long, I have seen photographs as reflections of my physical self. At face value, I suppose that is what they are – portrayals of a certain angle, a certain perspective. But really, photographs are snapshots of our life. They capture the light or darkness in our eyes, the smiles or frowns in our lips, the joy or confusion of a single moment in time. They freeze time, and that is something beautiful.
After jovially unwrapping each element of her gift, my mom proudly chose the very photo in question to display in her new frame. Now, on a small table next to my parents’ couch sits a piece of time, exhibiting their two grown-up, twentysomething daughters, arms around each other, smiles bright. That photo shows the joy and love of our family, and that is all that matters. And though I might not yet believe that truth with all of my heart, someday, I think I will.
How do you deal with photographs of yourself? Are you critical? Proud? Indifferent?
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I’m totally critical. It was one of the things that made it hardest for me to start recovery — I was so concerned that I would just look hideous in pictures… which is nothing compared to the agony that I was enduring, but c’est la vie. eating disorders aren’t rational. Now, I look at pictures and still, 1% of me wishes I had sleek tiny twig arms… but I focus on my face now. I’m smiling, and I know it’s a real smile. Not a smile where in my head I’m thinking *omg please dont look fat please dont look fat*
This is a really great way of looking at things. We’re all guilty of being critical when seeing photos–I certainly am–but it’s a good reminder to think of the things behind the photo (where you were, who you were with, how you felt) that is all more important than whether there’s hair in your eyes or a lopsided smile.
Amen, amen for this post Leslie. I’ve always been the photographer in my group of friends–always the one taking the photos and wanting to be in them as well, but fearing how I would look. I always say that mirrors and photos are my biggest fear but yet I’m obsessed with them at the same time. Photos are so tricky, and it’s such an issue for me. But I really like your way of handling the situation. I’m glad you’re mom liked the photo and gift.
<3
I am borderline Amish in how much I avoid photos. I wonder what I’m afraid I’ll see – I know my body pretty well at this point, so a captured image shouldn’t be too much a surprise. Another area to relax in, I guess.
omg i can so relate to this. actually i remember seeing a picture of me in my fav dress and was SO mad cuz i thought i madfe it hideous.. when i took a step back and thought “okay, the dress is artwork.. and im just its muse.. dont take it so literally” then i was able to calm down. so proud of you for using ur strength to turn the whole situation around. thats so hard to do but def. be proud of urself for it! amazing <3
beautiful, as always. there are many photos that i hate of myself (e.g., the one we took at the patio party.) many thoughts run through my head about how my body looks in pictures. i get upset for a moment, but try to let it pass. one poignant idea someone presented to me once was that we never physically see ourselves: mirrors distort the true image as do photographs. just imagine: we don’t actually know how we truly look. so then is physical self-perception always distorted? i have no answers, that was just a little food for thought for ya on a friday afternoon. :)
PS still getting over keste. oh.my.gawd.
I am usually very critical!
I love love love that gift idea for your mom. How sweet and personalized!
Sadly, i am way too critical of my own pictures and i know so. I need to change the way i see myself but it’s a slow process. GOSH you take incredible photos of food.
P.s. Come check out my strawberry basil jam and blueberry merlot preservers giveaway!! :) I think you’d enjoy ‘em!!
Great post, Leslie…I think many people (myself included) can empathize with you on this. I never get satisfied with pictures…I always immediately look at my “trouble spots”…I get so upset when friends tag me on their facebook when I look “hideous”! Haha, but it really isn’t about how “good” we look…but it’s the capture of that moment that is beautiful as you said.