On several occasions in the past few months, my mom has mentioned to me that she admires my discipline when it comes to exercise.
Usually, I tell her that discipline isn’t out of strictness, but because I truly enjoy it. It is mental rather than physical commitment: the time before my day when I get to be the one posing the challenges, making the decisions, choosing to push myself – or let myself take a break. I always feel refreshed after a yoga class, and I always carry that feeling of power with me throughout the day.
Sometimes, however, there is a piece of my brain that comes to the surface, and it expresses different motivations for getting on my mat. In those moments, I am not repeating chaturangas because I want to feel strong, but because I want to look strong. I want to see more muscle tone; or, I have to ensure I maintain that which I already have. If I find myself having one of those bad mirror days we all have, I’ll think that yoga will help.
In a way, it does, as I can tell that small piece of myself that I’ve done everything I can. But deep down, I wish I didn’t feel any obligation to my vanity. I have worked hard to look past that, and I am trying even harder to rid exercise of those associations as well.
leftovers made into lunch: not made for vanity, definitely enjoyed for flavor
For twelve years before college, I took ballet lessons. I went to those classes because I loved them. I wasn’t particularly great by any means, but it didn’t matter – I adored the artistry, the accomplishment of improvement, the sweat that built over the hour warm-up at the barre. I looked in the mirror to check my form, to maintain a calm expression, to see if I was performing with grace. It had nothing to do with my size.
I want to practice yoga for the same reasons, not ninety percent of the time as I do now, but every single time I unroll my mat.
I don’t believe it’s realistic to expect anyone, male or female, to praise their reflection every single day. And though I’ll be the first to support every positive body image mantra, we are all human, and there will be times when we feel down. What matters is how we respond: if we let it consume us, if we dwell, or if we acknowledge that as long as we are making an effort to take care of ourselves, what the mirror displays does not matter.
On Sunday, I had planned for an hour of yoga. But I became distracted by other tasks and other interactions, and I felt like giving myself a break. It was one of those times when the voice popped up, interjecting with words about holiday treats and restaurant meals to come. But I never exercised that day, and you know what? It’s ok.
If I feel like practicing yoga because of a mental craving, as I almost always do, then I will gladly make it a part of my day. But if the motivation comes from another place? I can find another outlet for my energy.
We’re all works in progress, and I am no exception. But I live the way I do because it brings me joy, not due to an obligation to my image. Sometimes, it’s important to remember that.
Why do you exercise? Is vanity a factor?
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I do yoga to stay limber and to calm my stress levels.
I practice yoga because it allows me to connect with my deepest inner self and has taught me so much about who I am. The exercise of it all is just a bonus as far as I am concerned.
i do yoga, and stretch.
i do enjoy the gym time to time
your leftovers look great
i love yoga-but i run to get me awake and alert for the day, it gives me energy. great leftovers
hey there! i read your blog all the time but don’t comment nearly enough. i love love love reading your blog. your posts are always so refreshing and thoughtful–they’re like a breath of fresh air. sometimes i need to hear words like these to get my mind back in the right place. thank so much for posting.
Such a beautiful post. You pose a very interesting question that I honestly had to think about before I answered. I exercise because I enjoy it, but also for the vanity. I, too, want to look and feel certain way when it comes to my body. But must remind myself that perfection is non existent, and like you said – we are all works in progress. Thank you for such lovely words.
I too enjoyed your thoughts on your experiences. I often feel the same way that I do things out of vanity not out of want. Sometimes thats ok…its a motivating factor and it gets my booty out of bed and onto my mat because I want to look my best. But other times I know its working against me and I feel manipulated by my thoughts. Vanity is vain and I know it comes down to happiness. I do exercise for happiness mentaly but sometimes the physical factor plays a leading role.
Maggie
I know EXACTLY how you feel, especially when it comes to yoga. I’m still in “recovery,” so my exercise is limited anyways, but yoga is one thing that I have been cleared to do. I struggle every time I decide to do yoga with whether or not I’m doing for myself or for ED. I’ve only been doing yoga for a few months now, but I want to continue to once I’m completely “recovered” and don’t want to taint it with stupid conditions and such.
I find your honesty refreshing and cheer you on as you makes choices for YOU instead of your stupid vanity. (which we ALL have btw)
Nicole G
Beautiful post! I can relate. I used to exercise for vanity. Now though – for the most part, however, I exercise because I want to feel healthy.
Your posts never fail to be thought provoking for me. I wish I could say that exercise for me is not vanity based at all. There are many times that I run because it makes me feel good mentally or because i am in beautiful or new surroundings that I want to explore. Yoga feels so good and I even find strength training to be fun sometimes. Maye it’s ok for exercise to be a little vain sometimes, I think ts ok to want some muscle tone and a body you can be proud of as long as you respect yourself and don’t go overboard.
I also go through phases in terms of how I think about exercise. Sometimes I just really want to LOOK good and that is what motivates me. Other times I just want to feel good and so I love to get out there for a run or yoga or whatever it is. I think it is totally normal to have vanity be a part of it, but like you, I try to only exercise if I FEEL like it. I dont believe in FORCIng myself.
I can definitely relate. My dad makes those kind of comments, because honestly he will never really “get” what I go through after having an ED. I’m FINALLY reaching a point where I exercise honestly because I love it and it’s fun and it’s something I can constantly work on new and different things. But I still exercise sometimes out of fear. Fear comes from the ED side of things and I know it will always be there, but now, I also know that those times I feel fear about exercise are the times I need to assess whether I should be at the gym that day.
It’s a process, and of course you can’t separate looks from exercise…the too are directly related! So no feeling bad, I think it’s great that you are dedicated, and it’s only human to feel a little vanity here and there.
Hi Leslie! This is my first comment on your blog. First I must say thank you for writing intelligent and thought provoking posts on your blog.
On most days, I enjoy practicing yoga and go to gym on a regular basis — for the benefits of health, physical and mental. Like you I question myself, consciously or not, why I have certain emotions toward either two types of exercise. Being honest with my motivation to exercise brings more in depth understanding about what’s important to me and being true to myself.
I exercise because it makes me feel strong….I like feeling “in shape”….I may not be skinny but I strive to be fit!
I love your brussel sprouts – I just had some with walnuts.
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